sorry for crying
sorry for not being enough
sorry for giving up on me
sorry for not opening up to you
sorry for pretending to be happy
sorry for wanting to die
sorry for 20 failed attempts
sorry for not really doing it
sorry for not being the little girl you thought i would be
sorry for lying to you
sorry for making you think i'm happy
sorry for letting you take advantage of me
sorry for being fat
sorry for being ugly
sorry skipping meals
sorry for being me
sorry for not letting you in
sorry for making you mad
sorry for leaving you before you had the chance to leave me
sorry for not being what you wanted
but i am not sorry for cutting to stay alive. you don't understand how low someone has got to be to get to the point of slicing their own skin... so, no i'm not sorry that i felt so low, so worthless, so unwanted that it felt like the only option. i'm not sorry that you made me feel worthless. i'm not sorry that your friends hate you for what you did to me. i'm not sorry to anyone who has made me feel low enough to hurt myself. i'm most certainly not sorry for myself because i deserve every damn scar i'm wearing.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
the truth
i can't play this game anymore. after all, that's all life is, right? a game?
this game is kicking my ass and i give up. i gave up on myself a long time ago, and i wish everyone else would too. i don't want to be saved because i'm already dead inside. my soul is buried. my thoughts are deadly. my heart beats for only one person. and that one person is better off without me. sometimes, i stay up and cry, staring at a wall because i know i'm hopeless. i'm broken and i don't want to be fixed. i want to feel this pain because i deserve it. stop trying to save someone who's already dead. i know you want me to stay alive, but that makes you selfish. you want me to keep suffering through this hell. you want me to stay strong. i'm not strong at all and you're a fool for thinking i am. i've been weak for so long, but i kept holding on for all you selfish bastards out there telling me it'll get better...when all it does is get worse. you constantly ask me to promise things that will keep me here longer, even if it means me cutting, taking pills, using drugs... you don't know what happens once my door closes. you don't know what i've put my body through. you don't know that i cry myself to sleep every night because it's the only way i can get to sleep. don't try to save me because i don't want it. everyone in my life right now... they could be better without me. without worrying when i'm going to hurt myself. when i'm going to take more pills. when i'm going to put myself in danger again. stop trying. you don't know a damn thing. i wish i couldn't feel a damn thing because feeling this is pure torment. if you happen to read this, leave. get out of my life as soon as you get the chance. if i make it any longer, i will continue to amount to nothing like i do now. i'll just hurt and disappoint you. that's all i'm good for. don't get all booty tickled if i self harm, i'm not cutting or burning you.. only myself. stop getting attached to me because i'm not gonna be around much longer anyways. don't love me, you'll just hurt yourself. don't try with me, it's no use.
this game is kicking my ass and i give up. i gave up on myself a long time ago, and i wish everyone else would too. i don't want to be saved because i'm already dead inside. my soul is buried. my thoughts are deadly. my heart beats for only one person. and that one person is better off without me. sometimes, i stay up and cry, staring at a wall because i know i'm hopeless. i'm broken and i don't want to be fixed. i want to feel this pain because i deserve it. stop trying to save someone who's already dead. i know you want me to stay alive, but that makes you selfish. you want me to keep suffering through this hell. you want me to stay strong. i'm not strong at all and you're a fool for thinking i am. i've been weak for so long, but i kept holding on for all you selfish bastards out there telling me it'll get better...when all it does is get worse. you constantly ask me to promise things that will keep me here longer, even if it means me cutting, taking pills, using drugs... you don't know what happens once my door closes. you don't know what i've put my body through. you don't know that i cry myself to sleep every night because it's the only way i can get to sleep. don't try to save me because i don't want it. everyone in my life right now... they could be better without me. without worrying when i'm going to hurt myself. when i'm going to take more pills. when i'm going to put myself in danger again. stop trying. you don't know a damn thing. i wish i couldn't feel a damn thing because feeling this is pure torment. if you happen to read this, leave. get out of my life as soon as you get the chance. if i make it any longer, i will continue to amount to nothing like i do now. i'll just hurt and disappoint you. that's all i'm good for. don't get all booty tickled if i self harm, i'm not cutting or burning you.. only myself. stop getting attached to me because i'm not gonna be around much longer anyways. don't love me, you'll just hurt yourself. don't try with me, it's no use.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Truth Is...
You might all know me as Chrissy, or more commonly HellNoThisBitch, but there is more to me than you think.
See, the truth about me is formspring friends is all I have. You guys are my everything.
Yeah, I have family, but they don't even like me. They won't accept me. I don't spend much of my free time with them by choice. It's like, my dad forcing me to spend family time, and me awkwardly sitting there doing whatever they decided to do against my will. I love my dad &* we're close, well he tells me alot of stuff, but my entire life is a lie to him. He thinks I'm this smart, innocent, straight girl...his little girl. I am his little girl, I'm just not the little girl he wants me to be. My family means alot to me, but they are as fake as the toys made in China. :|
At school, I have one friend. ONE. Everyone else, they're mere class mates, or old friends. I used to be a social butterfly. Friends with everyone. I was a semi happy girl, the girl everyone loved, the girl who put a smile on everyone's face...The girl that I was happy to be. Now, I have ONE friend. ONE person I actually call a friend. And she has a bunch of friends. So, when I am not with her, I'm alone. I look for somewhere to sit at lunch, but there's nowhere, so I wander the halls all on my own. I am late to school alot, because I don't wanna risk being early and being alone awkwardly. I leave home right when the bell rings because I have no friends to stick around with. Only one, but she usually walks me home.
In every one of my classes, I talk to a few people, but none of those people are my friends. They all talk behind my back. Let's just face it, I cannot trust people. I have one friend, yeah she's great, but I miss the feeling of having more people. The feeling of having options. When she can't hang out, I have no one to hang out with.
So, I spend my nights in my room...on my phone, or on my ipod, or on my computer.
I sit up late at night, all hours of the night, early in the morning, all hours of the day, talking to the people who matter most to me: the people who I met in formspring.
You guys are really all I have. You guys are true friends. You guys are people I trust, people I want in my life.
Yeah, there's alot you guys do not know about me, but I still trust you guys. That's why I send you guys dumb shit you guys probably don't even care about, because I trust you. Because you guys are my real friends. Because you guys matter to me.
When Steven killed himself, I thought I'd never love again, I thought I'd never be in love again, but Shannon changed that. I fell in love with her, and even though it didn't work out, she will always have a big spot in my heart. Sure, our friendship will never be the same, but us being together really changed my life.
When he killed himself, I thought I'd never have a best friend again, then I met Theo. Instant friends. It's been almost a year since we met.
May 18 was the day.
He became my best friend, and to this day he still is. We may not talk as much as we used to, but we still are best friends, we still mean alot to each other, we still care! I love you Theo! < 3
But they aren't the only people who matter...
There's alot..Alyssa, Shameka, Rob, Caroleena, Breanna, Allie, Abbey, Elmo (Gladys), Emily, Leiisha, Cameron, and so many more...
Yeah, I may not talk to you guys about personal things, but just knowing that I could come to you at any point, that means alot.
You guys, on formspring, twitter, gifboom, are amazing. You guys are true friends. TRUE friends.
Thanks for everything. < 3
xo
Chrissy
See, the truth about me is formspring friends is all I have. You guys are my everything.
Yeah, I have family, but they don't even like me. They won't accept me. I don't spend much of my free time with them by choice. It's like, my dad forcing me to spend family time, and me awkwardly sitting there doing whatever they decided to do against my will. I love my dad &* we're close, well he tells me alot of stuff, but my entire life is a lie to him. He thinks I'm this smart, innocent, straight girl...his little girl. I am his little girl, I'm just not the little girl he wants me to be. My family means alot to me, but they are as fake as the toys made in China. :|
At school, I have one friend. ONE. Everyone else, they're mere class mates, or old friends. I used to be a social butterfly. Friends with everyone. I was a semi happy girl, the girl everyone loved, the girl who put a smile on everyone's face...The girl that I was happy to be. Now, I have ONE friend. ONE person I actually call a friend. And she has a bunch of friends. So, when I am not with her, I'm alone. I look for somewhere to sit at lunch, but there's nowhere, so I wander the halls all on my own. I am late to school alot, because I don't wanna risk being early and being alone awkwardly. I leave home right when the bell rings because I have no friends to stick around with. Only one, but she usually walks me home.
In every one of my classes, I talk to a few people, but none of those people are my friends. They all talk behind my back. Let's just face it, I cannot trust people. I have one friend, yeah she's great, but I miss the feeling of having more people. The feeling of having options. When she can't hang out, I have no one to hang out with.
So, I spend my nights in my room...on my phone, or on my ipod, or on my computer.
I sit up late at night, all hours of the night, early in the morning, all hours of the day, talking to the people who matter most to me: the people who I met in formspring.
You guys are really all I have. You guys are true friends. You guys are people I trust, people I want in my life.
Yeah, there's alot you guys do not know about me, but I still trust you guys. That's why I send you guys dumb shit you guys probably don't even care about, because I trust you. Because you guys are my real friends. Because you guys matter to me.
When Steven killed himself, I thought I'd never love again, I thought I'd never be in love again, but Shannon changed that. I fell in love with her, and even though it didn't work out, she will always have a big spot in my heart. Sure, our friendship will never be the same, but us being together really changed my life.
When he killed himself, I thought I'd never have a best friend again, then I met Theo. Instant friends. It's been almost a year since we met.
May 18 was the day.
He became my best friend, and to this day he still is. We may not talk as much as we used to, but we still are best friends, we still mean alot to each other, we still care! I love you Theo! < 3
But they aren't the only people who matter...
There's alot..Alyssa, Shameka, Rob, Caroleena, Breanna, Allie, Abbey, Elmo (Gladys), Emily, Leiisha, Cameron, and so many more...
Yeah, I may not talk to you guys about personal things, but just knowing that I could come to you at any point, that means alot.
You guys, on formspring, twitter, gifboom, are amazing. You guys are true friends. TRUE friends.
Thanks for everything. < 3
xo
Chrissy
Friday, March 30, 2012
In Dedication To My Little Girl, Yoyo.
This seems so silly, but writing is what I do to cope. I write. About everything.
If I get into a fight with a friend or a family member, or even just simply a peer at school, I write about it, and the pain seems to go down.
If I get mixed feelings, I write and it helps sort them out.
If I meet someone and I begin to like them, I write..It helps me express myself.
If I win an award, I write.
If I do bad or good in school, I write.
If I just feel like writing, I write.
It helps relieve pain a bit better than any person in this world listening to what I have to say would.
Yoyo. A ferret. A pet. A "rodent," which is incorrect, to millions of people. A sister to my other two ferrets. A pet to my parents. A hassle to care for to my brothers. My baby.
She's gone.
Forever.
It has been almost three years since I've had her and her siblings.
When I saw her, I claimed her.
I knew she would be my baby.
I care for the others equally, but she and I have always shared a bond stronger than my relationship with the other two.
It may sound silly to think of having relationships with a ferret, but she is one of the family.
I was not the only one upset or crying or torn apart. We all were.
I was more than that though.
I was pissed off.
Pissed off that my parents did not let me say good bye before she died.
She died while getting blood drawn because she was too weak.
They didn't let me tag along to take MY ferret to the vet because I would break down and embarrass myself.
I hope they're happy.
She died without mommy at her side.
Almost three years of beautiful memories.
Going to play with her, and seeing her hop around like a bunny and listening to her little sounds of joy.
Taking her into the yard and watching her dig in many different spots just to feel the dirt in her claws.
Taking her for a walk with her expensive collar and leash around the block.
Bathing her, with her claws cutting into my skin trying to escape the water.
Every memory replays in my head; From the first days of having her, to the last days of feeding her every two hours, trying to keep her alive.
Falling asleep these last few days on the couch with her.
I knew it would happen.
I had a feeling deep down.
And I knew today was the day.
I hoped and prayed that she would make it, and become healthy, but deep down I knew it was time.
Time for her to return home...
I held her corpse in my arms for 42 minutes, until my dad forced her out of my hands.
I wanted to hold her longer, to wait for her heart beat to return, but it was impossible.
She is really gone.
Like Steven.
Like Jamie Drew.
Like China.
Like Raven.
Like Stud.
Like Lewis.
Like Clark.
Like Mittens.
Like the tons and tons of other people and pets I've lost in my life.
She is gone, but in my heart she will forever remain.
Yoyo;
I love you babygirl.
I know you loved mommy too, and just know I tried my best.
Rest In Peace babydoll<3
PS I'm not a looney case, I just write. And loss of someone important in my life, it hurts and writing is all I have to cope. It's the only way I know how to.
If I get into a fight with a friend or a family member, or even just simply a peer at school, I write about it, and the pain seems to go down.
If I get mixed feelings, I write and it helps sort them out.
If I meet someone and I begin to like them, I write..It helps me express myself.
If I win an award, I write.
If I do bad or good in school, I write.
If I just feel like writing, I write.
It helps relieve pain a bit better than any person in this world listening to what I have to say would.
Yoyo. A ferret. A pet. A "rodent," which is incorrect, to millions of people. A sister to my other two ferrets. A pet to my parents. A hassle to care for to my brothers. My baby.
She's gone.
Forever.
It has been almost three years since I've had her and her siblings.
When I saw her, I claimed her.
I knew she would be my baby.
I care for the others equally, but she and I have always shared a bond stronger than my relationship with the other two.
It may sound silly to think of having relationships with a ferret, but she is one of the family.
I was not the only one upset or crying or torn apart. We all were.
I was more than that though.
I was pissed off.
Pissed off that my parents did not let me say good bye before she died.
She died while getting blood drawn because she was too weak.
They didn't let me tag along to take MY ferret to the vet because I would break down and embarrass myself.
I hope they're happy.
She died without mommy at her side.
Almost three years of beautiful memories.
Going to play with her, and seeing her hop around like a bunny and listening to her little sounds of joy.
Taking her into the yard and watching her dig in many different spots just to feel the dirt in her claws.
Taking her for a walk with her expensive collar and leash around the block.
Bathing her, with her claws cutting into my skin trying to escape the water.
Every memory replays in my head; From the first days of having her, to the last days of feeding her every two hours, trying to keep her alive.
Falling asleep these last few days on the couch with her.
I knew it would happen.
I had a feeling deep down.
And I knew today was the day.
I hoped and prayed that she would make it, and become healthy, but deep down I knew it was time.
Time for her to return home...
I held her corpse in my arms for 42 minutes, until my dad forced her out of my hands.
I wanted to hold her longer, to wait for her heart beat to return, but it was impossible.
She is really gone.
Like Steven.
Like Jamie Drew.
Like China.
Like Raven.
Like Stud.
Like Lewis.
Like Clark.
Like Mittens.
Like the tons and tons of other people and pets I've lost in my life.
She is gone, but in my heart she will forever remain.
Yoyo;
I love you babygirl.
I know you loved mommy too, and just know I tried my best.
Rest In Peace babydoll<3
PS I'm not a looney case, I just write. And loss of someone important in my life, it hurts and writing is all I have to cope. It's the only way I know how to.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Paula's Birthday Poem
This entire thing was written for Paula, for her birthday. I posted it on TwitLonger for her, but now I'm posting it here as well. I love you giiirl. Her birthday was September 17th. Thanks for reading!
Dear @Pau_Molina I love you! <3
Happy Birthday!
You've been here for me from the start
You've become a part of me, in my heart.
When I almost lost Katy, you were there
I really love this friendship that we share
Paula, You're truly one of my best friends
I'll hang onto our friendship until the end.
You're there when I'm sad, and in tears
You encourage me to hold on and keep trying
You're so loving and caring and an amazing friend
So for your birthday this poem I send!
Dear @Pau_Molina I love you! <3
Happy Birthday!
You've been here for me from the start
You've become a part of me, in my heart.
When I almost lost Katy, you were there
I really love this friendship that we share
Paula, You're truly one of my best friends
I'll hang onto our friendship until the end.
You're there when I'm sad, and in tears
You encourage me to hold on and keep trying
You're so loving and caring and an amazing friend
So for your birthday this poem I send!
Hello Everyone!
Hey, so it's been almost a year since I met some really amazing, supportive people. First off, thank you so much Paula (@Pau_Molina on twitter)! You have been so amazing to me! You've been here through everything, you let me vent and you are just an amazing friend! I cannot believe it's been almost an entire year since we met! Wow! Also, thank you Katy! Katy, you've been around almost as long as Paula, and I cannot thank you both enough for all the support that you guys give me, and all the hope you guys give me! And, of course, there are so many other people I wish I could take my time to thank, but unfortunately I really can't, so... Thank you Allie, Abbey, Catie Mae, and so many more. I love every one of you so much! & I know I haven't done much writing over the school year, but this summer I will do so much! I have so much planned for every one of my supporters! I have all sorts of stories! Also, I will be posting Bieber fan fiction here: http://justinbieberfanfiction.com/browse.php?type=authors&uid=7070 ; & All my stories, that are not about Justin Bieber, will be posted here: http://thatchicaa.blogspot.com/ & they will be titled by series & chapter so that you know which story you are reading! Thank you Everyone for your continuous support!
All my stories will be posted on the above links, however, this page will be used for thank you's to certain people. and updates, so be sure to check them both out! <3
And to any new readers, first: WELCOME & THANK YOU FOR READYING! Also, comments are much appreciated!
And any returning reader, thank you for the continuous support! I love you all to pieces! <3
And to any new readers, first: WELCOME & THANK YOU FOR READYING! Also, comments are much appreciated!
And any returning reader, thank you for the continuous support! I love you all to pieces! <3
xoxo
chrissy
05.25.2011
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