sorry for crying
sorry for not being enough
sorry for giving up on me
sorry for not opening up to you
sorry for pretending to be happy
sorry for wanting to die
sorry for 20 failed attempts
sorry for not really doing it
sorry for not being the little girl you thought i would be
sorry for lying to you
sorry for making you think i'm happy
sorry for letting you take advantage of me
sorry for being fat
sorry for being ugly
sorry skipping meals
sorry for being me
sorry for not letting you in
sorry for making you mad
sorry for leaving you before you had the chance to leave me
sorry for not being what you wanted
but i am not sorry for cutting to stay alive. you don't understand how low someone has got to be to get to the point of slicing their own skin... so, no i'm not sorry that i felt so low, so worthless, so unwanted that it felt like the only option. i'm not sorry that you made me feel worthless. i'm not sorry that your friends hate you for what you did to me. i'm not sorry to anyone who has made me feel low enough to hurt myself. i'm most certainly not sorry for myself because i deserve every damn scar i'm wearing.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
the truth
i can't play this game anymore. after all, that's all life is, right? a game?
this game is kicking my ass and i give up. i gave up on myself a long time ago, and i wish everyone else would too. i don't want to be saved because i'm already dead inside. my soul is buried. my thoughts are deadly. my heart beats for only one person. and that one person is better off without me. sometimes, i stay up and cry, staring at a wall because i know i'm hopeless. i'm broken and i don't want to be fixed. i want to feel this pain because i deserve it. stop trying to save someone who's already dead. i know you want me to stay alive, but that makes you selfish. you want me to keep suffering through this hell. you want me to stay strong. i'm not strong at all and you're a fool for thinking i am. i've been weak for so long, but i kept holding on for all you selfish bastards out there telling me it'll get better...when all it does is get worse. you constantly ask me to promise things that will keep me here longer, even if it means me cutting, taking pills, using drugs... you don't know what happens once my door closes. you don't know what i've put my body through. you don't know that i cry myself to sleep every night because it's the only way i can get to sleep. don't try to save me because i don't want it. everyone in my life right now... they could be better without me. without worrying when i'm going to hurt myself. when i'm going to take more pills. when i'm going to put myself in danger again. stop trying. you don't know a damn thing. i wish i couldn't feel a damn thing because feeling this is pure torment. if you happen to read this, leave. get out of my life as soon as you get the chance. if i make it any longer, i will continue to amount to nothing like i do now. i'll just hurt and disappoint you. that's all i'm good for. don't get all booty tickled if i self harm, i'm not cutting or burning you.. only myself. stop getting attached to me because i'm not gonna be around much longer anyways. don't love me, you'll just hurt yourself. don't try with me, it's no use.
this game is kicking my ass and i give up. i gave up on myself a long time ago, and i wish everyone else would too. i don't want to be saved because i'm already dead inside. my soul is buried. my thoughts are deadly. my heart beats for only one person. and that one person is better off without me. sometimes, i stay up and cry, staring at a wall because i know i'm hopeless. i'm broken and i don't want to be fixed. i want to feel this pain because i deserve it. stop trying to save someone who's already dead. i know you want me to stay alive, but that makes you selfish. you want me to keep suffering through this hell. you want me to stay strong. i'm not strong at all and you're a fool for thinking i am. i've been weak for so long, but i kept holding on for all you selfish bastards out there telling me it'll get better...when all it does is get worse. you constantly ask me to promise things that will keep me here longer, even if it means me cutting, taking pills, using drugs... you don't know what happens once my door closes. you don't know what i've put my body through. you don't know that i cry myself to sleep every night because it's the only way i can get to sleep. don't try to save me because i don't want it. everyone in my life right now... they could be better without me. without worrying when i'm going to hurt myself. when i'm going to take more pills. when i'm going to put myself in danger again. stop trying. you don't know a damn thing. i wish i couldn't feel a damn thing because feeling this is pure torment. if you happen to read this, leave. get out of my life as soon as you get the chance. if i make it any longer, i will continue to amount to nothing like i do now. i'll just hurt and disappoint you. that's all i'm good for. don't get all booty tickled if i self harm, i'm not cutting or burning you.. only myself. stop getting attached to me because i'm not gonna be around much longer anyways. don't love me, you'll just hurt yourself. don't try with me, it's no use.
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